After Retirement, Finding Connection
Derek Thompson, writing in The Atlantic, describes us as living in the “anti-social century.” He cites all the statistics you’ve probably seen about the increase in loneliness in the United States in the last few decades.
Some statistics were surprising to me: Dining alone has increased by 29 percent since 2022. The frequency of people hosting friends for parties, games and dinners has declined by 45 percent. “Men who watch television now spend seven hours in front of the TV for every hour they spend hanging out with somebody outside their home. The typical female pet owner spends more time actively engaged with her pet than she spends in face-to-face contact with friends of her own species.”
In an interview, Thompson talks about the decline in the number of “third places”—“a place that you choose to be with people you’re not related to and you’re not financially obligated to be around” (the bar in “Cheers,” the cafe in “Seinfeld”). Not only are these places not being built, but people are not seeking them out.
I’d been thinking about this idea of a third place recently. After I retired, I joined a gym for older people. I go there three times a week and use the equipment and take fitness classes. I realized recently that I never have to nag myself to go to the gym. I look forward to going, partly because I feel positive energy in this place as soon as I walk in the door.
Staff and patrons greet each other, the woman who works the front desk somehow remembers my name, people often strike up conversations with me when I’m wearing a t-shirt of one of my alma maters.
Thompson notes how these tiny interactions are so good for us: “maybe it’s just a 15-minute conversation with someone on a train, or maybe it’s just a 10-minute conversation with someone in a store. And all that’s improving is just a little experience of that little 10 minutes. Well, life is just one 10-minute experience after another. That’s all it is. ... these little bits of socializing that we experience, they can be really beautiful.”
In 2022, when my then-employer reopened our campus after COVID, staff were given the option of working remotely 100 percent hybrid, or in the office full-time. I was the only person in my department to choose full-time in the office. I experienced a revelation during my COVID work-from-home time: as a shy introvert, I was surprised to learn that I really need to get out of the house and be around people regularly.
The lack of people in my office after COVID helped me decide to retire in 2023. I realized the most positive aspect of my job was the small daily interactions with my co-workers. After COVID, they weren’t around. No more conversations in the kitchen area while microwaving my lunch, no more wandering into a colleague’s office to vent about the latest work frustration, no more in-person meetings. Just a lot of empty offices and cubicles.
So, the gym is a kind of “third place” for me. And, after retiring, I deliberately chose volunteer activities that get me out of the house and interacting with people face-to-face. I schedule regular get-togethers with my retired friends. I take in-person lifelong learning courses. It would be so easy to stay home and scroll on my phone or binge watch shows all day, but what kind of life is that?
In the near future, we could all become even more disconnected from each other with the advent of AI-companion apps that may be much easier to “spend time” with. We may eventually ask: who needs people anymore?