What Not to Say to Your Kids, About Raising Their Kids

Story originally published in The Record newspaper, New Jersey

Once upon a time, we were parents, unquestionably wise. Now we are grandparents — and apparently know nothing.

The knowledge we supposedly had gained by raising those kids who now have their own kids, has been replaced by mom groups, sleep consultants, bloggers, Google, gadgets, you name it.

What we did as parents — time-outs, (over)praising our kids, making them drink milk, putting them to sleep on their stomachs, letting them cry themselves to sleep, ordering them to do things they didn't want to do — was all wrong.

How's that for a Mother's Day present for you, grandma?

On May 14, as we brunch with our progeny and sip a few mimosas, maybe we should also do a wee bit of reflecting and ask ourselves whether our generation was — gulp — wrong.

It isn't easy.

When you're being told by your child, a complete parent newbie for goodness sakes, how to handle, feed, soothe, bathe, talk to your own grandchild, bet these words spilled out: "This is not what we did and you turned out all right."

Bet it didn't go over well.

"The biggest disappointment and annoyance about being a grandparent today is the exact opposite of 'See something, Say something'," said one grandmother, a former New Jersey resident. She, like every grandparent I talked to with one exception, did not want her name used for reasons that should be obvious (in case it isn't: they don't want to be the recipient of their child's fury)."Heeding advice from scholars, media and other grandparents, I say nothing. It's a wonder my tongue is not bitten through by now."

It's difficult (impossible?) not to wonder (criticize?) what our kids are doing with their kids when it's so darn different than what we did with them.

The problem isn't that the behavior of kids have changed; the problem is that the style of parenting has changed.

"We are navigating a whole new world," said Ronnie Rabinowitz of Plainview, a grandma of two "with one on the way."

Rabinowitz is nonplussed by how much information her kids gather about their kids. "They record everything," she said. "They have all these apps. They record their kids' bowel movements, how much formula they had, how much they slept, how much they themselves slept. It's all so technological today."

And grandparents, many of whom can barely use a smartphone, are expected to know how to use the fancy, high-tech baby equipment, and, where called for, marvel at them.

"The other night, our grandson said he needed his 'calm-down machine' when he slept over," recalled the ex-New Jersey grandma. "I had no idea what he was talking about." It was a white-noise machine, a widely used device that helps mask background sounds. "I didn't have a white-noise machine. I put on my own calm-down apparatus — the sounds of the waves of the Jersey shore."

Indeed, what's with all the baby monitors, the bottle warmers, the binkies, the sleep sacks, the calm-down machines, the blackout shades, the mesh feeders, the nursing pillows, the wipe warmers, the baby detergent, the ergonomic high chairs, the — yikes — fancy booger removing tools? Are they really necessary?

Probably not. However....

I know how hard this is fellow grandparents, unless you're convinced that flagrant mental or, perish the thought, physical damage is being done, the secret to being a loving, supportive grandparent and parent, as it was for our parents and their parents, is to chill.

"Everyone wants to be a good parent," said psychologist Edward Callaghan, co-founder of the Integrative Therapy Institute in Montclair and Metuchen. "Each generation has their own wisdom and brings different skillsets to the table. A monitor in a baby's room is a helpful thing; it’s not better or worse." He added, "At the end of the day, the parent has to be the parent. The parent, not the grandparent, is in charge and determines what needs to happen."

And some changes of course are critical, like putting a newborn to sleep on his back, not stomach, as my generation did.

"A lot of grandparents were taught to put their babies on their side and stomach to sleep," said Sarah Ludwig, a doula and childbirth educator in Nyack, New York. "But that's an enormous SIDS risk."

Ludwig notes that grandparents who argue that their parenting practices were just fine — "You turned out all right" — had a sampling size of two, three or maybe four children. "It's not meaningful."

One grandma said she was astounded when her daughter and son-in-law "baby-proofed" her house by putting safety locks on every kitchen cabinet — even ones her grandson could never reach — and putting pads on every piece of furniture so he wouldn't hurt himself.

"It was crazy," she said. "What's the point. How can you protect him from everything?"

Then she recalled that she didn't put safety locks on any of her kitchen cabinets when her kids were young and had to call poison control when one of her daughters drank noxious liquid she found under the kitchen sink.

As a certified life coach for new moms, Danielle DeCristoforo of New City can remind you that being a new parent is difficult — even if you're not being criticized or judged by your own parent. She even designed a course for grandparents to be taught at the Clarkstown Community Learning Center, where she emphasizes support, not criticism.

"That criticism is so common," said DeCristoforo, herself the mom of a 2- and 4-year old. "Every complaint I get from a new mom is, 'my mother or mother-in-law is driving me crazy.'" 

DeCristoforo said her own mom was astounded by how much things have changed since she raised her.

A car seat to take baby home from the hospital? "I carried you in the car from the hospital to the house," DeCristoforo said her mom told her. It's not that DeCristoforo's mom is anti-car seats, they have changed so much and come with so many safety instructions that, DeCristoforo said, she is "so nervous about them."

No TV for her son, Lincoln, now 4? DeCristoforo's mom pointed out that she watched oodles of TV growing up. Besides, she opined, TV may help her grandson. "That's why he has a speech impediment. He needs to hear people talk." (For the record: Lincoln speaks perfectly today.)

Sleep-train her son with a rigid, timed eat-wake-sleep cycle? "We did none of this," DeCristoforo recalled her mom saying. "You didn't sleep for four years and neither did we. We survived."

Talk to your toddler about his feelings, especially when he misbehaves? "My dad had strong feelings on the subject: 'This is crap. You've got to toughen him up.'"

But DeCristoforo's mom (and dad) are loving, caring and dedicated grandparents who help DeCristoforo, a single mom, "lots." And they are grandparents who willing to listen.

Over time they have come to see the wisdom in their daughter's way.

"My mom watches my kids," DeCristoforo said, "and they're good kids. My son, 99.9 percent of the time, is well-behaved. One time he was not listening to her and she did what her generation did: Time Out, take toys away, threaten not to play anymore. Nothing worked."

She didn't know what else to do, so she asked DeCristoforo.

"I told her to sit him down, something is clearly wrong, and ask him what it is."

She did. "I just don't feel I'm getting enough attention," the little boy said. It was an epiphany; her mom realized what he needed was more of her, not less.

Lori O’Brien of Wallington said her parents, too, have seen the light.

"The proof is in the pudding," she said. "I have a wonderful son." A son her parents, mostly her dad, thought she was spoiling.

"Who is the boss?" he'd ask when her boy would hit her.

O'Brien said she didn't see herself as a boss, but a caring mom who is determined to raise a kind, empathetic, emotionally aware child — one who is not only seen but also heard.

So instead of punishing, she would ignore his action but not him, she said. She would remove his hand and eventually when he was able to communicate with words she would point out that it hurt her when he hit just as it hurt him when he fell or hurt himself in some way.

Her son now she said "is the most wonderful, well-behaved, terrific kid."

Her parents, she said, are so impressed that they now ask her if she is going to write a child-rearing book.