How You Should Spend Your Retirement
I have some suggestions:
DAY ONE
Join a book club. This will enable you to get together once a month with a sociable group of people who also aren’t sure how to correctly operate a Kindle. For an hour or so, you’ll spend time discussing the last book you’ve read and how the movie was better. Then, you’ll spend the next hour or so arguing about the next book you should all read before ultimately agreeing on a book nobody likes and nobody will finish in time for the next book club meeting. Then you will all start yawning because it’s almost nine o’clock and getting near bedtime.
DAY TWO
Enroll in a class. Continuing education is not just important for your cognitive health and keeping your mind sharp; it’s also an opportunity to meet other like-minded people with curious minds even if some people are fifty years younger and might have purple hair and a few have no hair at all.
For instance, go take a calculus class at a local university or community college near you. You will not understand a single word spoken by the instructor, of course, but you can be assured that none of your younger classmates will either because, hey, it’s calculus. However, they are likely to take you under their wing and anoint you as their mascot and ask you to pledge Beta Kappa Feta, one of the cheesiest fraternities.
DAY THREE
Sign up for an online dating service if you’re single. First, carefully build your online dating profile, being sure to use a photo taken back when your hair was still black and your stomach still flat, if it ever was. (But probably don’t use the one where you’re wearing the bright green polyester leisure suit.)
In your bio, mention your Olympic gold medal and your Purple Heart. And just remember that if you feel slightly awkward about your embellishments, the individuals you meet online will almost assuredly not really look like the picture they used and also may not have won multiple Nobel Peace Prizes.
DAY FOUR
Join a travel group. With work no longer a factor, it’s time to travel! See Paris with others who haven’t figured out euros and think the French are snobby by insisting on speaking French! Visit Venice with people who can’t hold their Chianti! Voyage to the far reaches of the earth along with other intrepid voyagers who will spend most of the communal breakfast making sure they’ve taken all their pills!
DAY FIVE
Attend a protest. Political activism is a great way to meet people with similar views and commitments in your area. Plus, there's a serious sense of camaraderie at protests and you’ll have lots of time to talk and get to know fellow protestors while waiting to be bailed out by your kids. In addition, you may finally be able to use some of the signs you proudly if inexplicably saved in the back of the upstairs closet from that 1974 antiwar march.
DAY SIX
Get a dog. Dogs are an appropriate pet for someone who is retired. But, in addition, having a dog is also a good way to make new friends.
You have to walk a dog, which means you will have to get out of the house and will likely come in contact with other people out walking who will admire your dog’s coat, ask you about the dog’s breed, the age of the dog, and why the hell are you letting it poop on their lawn?
You also will meet other people out walking their dogs and who are equally pissed off that they had to go out in the rain and sleet twice that day for that mutt their kids promised they would be responsible for and take care of. And if you have a snarling, aggressive dog that bites complete strangers, that’s always a good conversation starter that may lead to a lasting friendship or at least a long-running legal case.
DAY SIX
Get a dog. Dogs are an appropriate pet for someone who is retired. But, in addition, having a dog is also a good way to make new friends.
You have to walk a dog, which means you will have to get out of the house and will likely come in contact with other people out walking who will admire your dog’s coat, ask you about the dog’s breed, the age of the dog, and why the hell are you letting it poop on their lawn?
You also will meet other people out walking their dogs and who are equally pissed off that they had to go out in the rain and sleet twice that day for that mutt their kids promised they would be responsible for and take care of. And if you have a snarling, aggressive dog that bites complete strangers, that’s always a good conversation starter that may lead to a lasting friendship or at least a long-running legal case.
DAY SEVEN
Strike up a conversation with a stranger. When you’re out for a walk and get mugged, see if the mugger is interested in traveling or maybe joining a book club.