So, you now take a lot of medications. Pop some pills at breakfast, during dinner, before bedtime. But have you had a chance to look at the warnings that come with all your prescriptions?

I’m pretty sure this is what they say: Dizziness and headaches may occur when taking this medication that you are taking for dizziness and headaches. You should not drive, operate heavy machinery, or listen to talk radio while taking this medication until you can do it safely and not scream, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

While taking this medication, unusual dreams may occur, including one where you are dangling naked from a flagpole in the middle of the Roman Forum and being whipped by yourfirst-grade teacher, Miss Bave. If you have had this dream before, decrease your dosage. If you have never had this dream before and would like to, take two extra pills at bedtime.

Get medical help right away if you notice slime coming out of your fingertips or if oatmeal now appears attractive. There could be sudden weight gain, which you will recognize when you can’t put on any clothes and you have to go naked to your business meeting at the Roman Forum.

Discuss with your medical provider immediately any hallucinations you may have about manufacturing a death star while taking your morning medication.

For three days after taking this medication, be careful when you get up from a sitting position and immediately try to drive an M4 Sherman tank. A bout of temporary blindness may follow and if it does, you will not be able to read this list of side effects.

After finishing the required regimen for this drug you are taking for a condition you didn’t know you had until your pinkie got stuck in your nostril, the color of your fingernails should return to normal by Christmas.

A very serious reaction to this medicine is rare, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be the one person in 101,886 who actually starts smelling like week-old anchovies.

This medication also may weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to colds, coughs, COVID-19, and cable-TV reality shows. If you suspect you are watching too much cable-TV reality, call 911 immediately and while waiting for the ambulance to arrive switch to PBS for its thirteen-part series on the history of the cello.

Be sure to drink at least one eight-ounce glass of water with this pill to help minimize the potential loss of the ability to form words.

If you become pregnant while taking this medicine and are a man, reduce activity and contact the National Enquirer.

In rare cases, you can die from this medication. It’s possible you may prefer that to smelling like week-old anchovies.

And always, remember that your doctor has prescribed this particular medication because he or she is a professional who has scheduled your appointment late in the day and has already seen seventeen other patients who had much more serious issues to deal with, plus lots of insurance paperwork to fill out, and consequently has judged that the benefit to you of this medication is greater than the possibility of projectile vomiting, unless it happens in the waiting room.

If you encounter other side effects not listed above, boy, are you in trouble. If these side effects persist or worsen, contact our lawyers.

This story is adapted from Neil Offen’s book, Building a Better Boomer.

Neil Offen, one of the editors of this site, has been a humor columnist for four decades and on two continents. A longtime journalist, he’s also been a sports reporter, a newspaper and magazine editor, a radio newsman, written a nationally syndicated funny comic strip and been published in a variety of formats, including pen, crayon, chalk and, once, under duress, his wife’s eyebrow pencil. The author or co-author of more than a dozen books, he is, as well, the man behind several critically acclaimed supermarket shopping lists. His most recent book is Building a Better Boomer, published this year. He lives in Carrboro, North Carolina, but likes to imagine he’s still in the south of France, where the wine is cheaper.