Thanksgiving recipe
A classic dish for your holiday, updated for this perilous, querulous era.
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Ingredients
35 years of family squabbles, still stewing
1 gallon of raw anger
1/2 gallon of steaming rage
1 pint of unadulterated guilt
2 quarts of mild frustration
6 cups of exasperation
2 pints of low-fat antagonism
3 pounds of constant complaining
4 ounces of raw milk, spilled
2 ounces of crying, over spilled milk
3 tablespoons of minced irritation (or use a dollop of spite).
2 teaspoons of annoyance extract
½ teaspoon of bad timing
¼ teaspoon of touchiness
A sprinkle of irritation
A dash of accusation
A hint of reproach
A splash of annoyance
A pinch of reality
A dusting of growing dissatisfaction
Optional:
2 quarts of high-octane disagreements. (These can be found at your local Twitter/X or on Facebook, but remember long-simmering arguments always cut more deeply.)
1 pound of cure (you are likely to need more, particularly if you have forgotten the ounce of prevention)
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Directions
To avoid over-cooking, mix table settings, alternating Democrats (progressives and centrists) with conservatives — old-time and MAGA — and the lonely NFL fan at the end. Put Aunt Evelyn far to the left of Uncle Charlie, who is alt-right. Cousin J.J. should not be near brother Marty, because she’s not Biden her time and he’s AOC OK. Let ol’ Mitch sit by himself because no one, on either side of the table, likes him very much anymore.
While simmering, discuss football (but not the National Anthem), the weather (but not climate change), music (but not Taylor Swift or Ted Nugent) and your health (but not the Affordable Care Act or Medicare) for as long as you can.
Do not re-heat every time a new outrage erupts.
Make sure the smoke alarms are working.
Serves no one.